Stressed, tired, and uninspired

It's Monday again.

Maybe one week I will actually get my post out on Sunday, but this week is not that week it seems. After feeling sicker than a dog today thanks to Radford's ever-changing weather, I am hoping the rest of my week only goes up from here.

I missed work today. Normally I would not think too much of it because I was feeling under the weather and my body needs to heal, but something was different today. Since beginning graduate school, I have been reading a book for my organizational communication class called "The Working Life: The Promise and Betrayal of Modern Work" by Joanne B. Cuilla. This is such a sensational read so far and I am only on chapter 4! It is absolutely worth your time if you are interested in learning about how societies around the world came to have the work ethic and view on work they do presently. The book examines the meaning of work and work's place in life and does so by combing through influential societies throughout history. A combination of the impact of the text and my absence from the office today got me thinking deeply.

I questioned my own work ethic and the meaning I place on work and how that relates to my identity. When people ask what I have been doing since the last time I saw them, the first things I mention are almost always related to something I have worked hard work for and something I do that makes me money (graduate school and working at SOAR). Rarely do I acknowledge how my photography has been coming along or talk about the awesome meal I made the other day for fun. It seems that I place enormous value on work fulfilling me financially and providing me with stability, and in return, I do not place nearly enough value on my leisure time and activities I engage in for pleasure and to relax. While I continue every day to practice balancing work with play, I did not know how much it affected my life and my perspective on the future until a few days ago.

Thinking back, all I have ever really wanted in life is to be able to get paid to do what I am passionate about (whatever that may be). Thinking ahead, I would be quite content to be my own boss - able to make my own choices about when and where to work - and save up as much money as fast as possible to eventually not have to work and be able to use my time the way I want, doing things I truly want to do that make me happy. This is such a massive transition from my previous perspective of wanting to find true meaning and fulfillment in the career I chose. I really thought I wanted to work for the United Nations being a peacekeeper, constantly struggling day in and day out to convince grown ass adults to not attack another country. While I know I would go to bed each night feeling like I made a difference, I was not sure if making a difference was top priority to me anymore when I stepped back to look at the big picture.

The big picture I saw was me working tirelessly my whole life to better the world and at the end of it all, I never got to better myself. While I am happy for now to go where the wind takes me, I think once I have had some time to ponder what exactly it is I want (or don't want) from work I will finally make time to pursue what truly fulfills me and grow. If I am being honest though, right now my dream is to be able to work remotely from anywhere in the world, making just enough money to get by, and getting to experience life like I never did before because of how much value I placed on my work needing to have a deeper meaning.

Figuring out how much work and wealth means to you is such an intense part of self-discovery. Because discovering myself is proving to be a wild ride, equal parts terrifying and eye-opening, I wish the best to everyone else on their own journey of self-discovery.